There is no getting around having difficult conversations at work. It doesn’t matter whether you are in a leadership role or not, sooner or later you will need to deal with a conversation with someone you would rather not have.
You know which conversations I mean. The conversation about someone’s performance or absenteeism or how colleagues are not working well together. Or perhaps your coworker brings stinky food to work or talks to loud on the phone or is always disagreeing with you and the rest of the team. Perhaps it’s the conversation you need to have with a client or vendor. The conversations you would rather not have and sooner or later will no longer be able to avoid.
Here’s the reality…ignoring them does not make them any easier to have. The conversation you have in your head about how they are going to turn out does nothing but convince you to ignore them longer than is ideal.
And how they are handled can mean the difference between things getting worse or better. In the best case scenario you have the outcome you want and the relationship is in tact. Worse case is emotions are high, the other person gets defensive, nothing changes and the relationship is negatively impacted.
If you want to have the best possible outcome here are eight steps to navigate these conversations.
1. Plan what you want to say. Often we just pop off sharing our frustration and disappointment without thinking about what we want to say, what we want different and identifying the real problem. Be crystal clear in your own mind about what you want as the outcome of the conversation. This will help you be sure your message is clear, it will help keep yours and their emotions in check.
2. Find an appropriate place and date. As part of planning, consider when and where you are going to have this conversation. If it’s important enough to discuss, it’s important enough to give it the proper amount of time and privacy.
3. Have these conversations when you can keep your emotions in check. Nothing causes these conversations to go off course more than you being emotional. Others react to your emotions and likely don’t hear the words. And when we are emotional we become accusatory causing others to become defensive.
4. Don’t wait till the situation is critical. Waiting till the situation is critical is way too late. There were plenty of times you could have and should have addressed the situation before then. Now that it’s critical you can’t be at your best and emotions will be high.
5. Anticipate strong reactions from others. If the conversation is difficult for you to have it will be difficult for the other person to hear. Assume they will be emotional, get defensive and have strong reactions. How you handle their reactions will go a long way toward determining the outcome.
6. Consider you may not have all the information. Someone bringing stinky food is different than a conversation about performance for sure. Regardless consider you may not have all the information. Is someone tardy all the time because they have to depend on public transportation. Does the person talk too loud because they have a hearing problem? Or are the poor results you are getting because the person is in over their head and doesn’t know it?
7. Tee up the conversation. Before launching into the specifics tell them what you want to discuss and your intentions. The intention could be you want to discuss and understand the situation or it could be that you want to have a discussion and let them know what you expect.
8. Get agreement. Leaving the conversation without agreement on next steps or a plan of action is a waste of time. Don’t assume that because you stated your frustration or told them you wanted different results it will just happen. You’ll be disappointed and frustrated as it’s likely to not change.
Difficult conversations don’t have to end poorly. One of both of you don’t have to walk away annoyed and unhappy. That doesn’t mean anyone likes having then or being part of them. It does mean that how they end and how people feel at the end is in your hands. Use them as an opportunity to improve results and change things, and build relationships.
