Most of us have a to-do list that is so long there is no end in sight. Even as I write this article my personal to-do list for the week has 25 items on it, and my business one has 37. As I think about it, there is no possibility all or maybe even most of them can all be accomplished. There are some task on the lists that are important ones that are from last week’s list and never got completed. It’s so easy to start feeling guilty. If I am honest, I feel a bit ashamed as well.
Feeling guilty is when you believe you have done something wrong. Webster defines guilt as the act of committing a breach of conduct, and isn’t that what we think when we haven’t completed our list? What about shame though? Shame, as defined by Webster is about feeling that you have a shortcoming. Thus shame is external, it’s how you think others would judge you if they knew this about you where guilt is internal.
Do either guilt or shame help? By help I mean do either of them move us into action, motivate us to change our behavior or cause us to complete our never ending to-do list? It depends.
Sometimes when we experience guilt it can move us into action, depending on what the task is and who we are doing it for. For example, if your list includes a commitment you made to someone, then feeling guilty may motivate you to make progress or move on to the action item. It makes you feel worse when you’ve made a commitment and don’t follow through.
Shame though is a different story. Everyone wants to avoid shame and our likely response when we feel shame is to hide and procrastinate even more. Shame doesn’t help you accomplish more, in fact, it’s likely to make the problem worse.
One of the factors that make dealing with guilt and shame more difficult is that we keep thinking about them. We feel guilty or ashamed which may provoke anxiety and stress. The more anxious we are the more guilt or shame we feel and it becomes a vicious circle.
What can you do to avoid guilt and shame?
Recognize you’re never going to complete the list. In our fast-paced world where we are expected to be superhuman and all things to all people it’s no wonder we believe there is something wrong with us when we don’t accomplish things on our to-do list. Stop and recognize that you will never complete it all. Interruptions, additional tasks, unexpected circumstances, over planning, under-estimating how long something will take…a whole slew of things impact our ability to complete our list.
Be kind to yourself. Be kind and willing to forgive yourself when you aren’t superhuman and the list isn’t complete. This doesn’t mean makeup excuses, it means recognizing that stuff happens and give yourself a break. Compassion for yourself will translate into less stress and anxiety.
Celebrate your successes. Instead of focusing on what’s not yet completed, what isn’t working or how far you have to go, celebrate what you did accomplish and the progress you made. Most of us don’t celebrate enough and research shows that when you do that guilt goes away, and you actually will accomplish more.
Maybe it’s time to cull through your to-do list. Many years ago I worked with an executive who had a book she wanted to read. For months it was on her to-do list and at each meeting, she would tell me she hadn’t gotten to it. Finally, I suggested she take it off her list and shelve it, and if and when it was something she wanted to so she’d come back to it. The relief on her face was amazing. Sometimes we have things on our lists that are ‘shoulds’ that maybe need removed forever or at least for a while. Don’t weigh yourself down with items that aren’t critical. I promise if they are important they will bubble up again in the future.
Ignore thinking you’re a failure. I am a compulsive overachiever. I’m a compulsive planner. AND most weeks and months I am happy if I accomplish 60% of what was on my lists. You might think why don’t I reduce the list rather than accomplish 60%? What I have learned is not to think of myself as a failure regardless of how much I accomplish or don’t. I’m okay with tasks rolling from week to week, or even month to month. Those that are critical will always get done and the rest…well they will eventually. As soon as you judge yourself as a failure guilt and shame come into the equation.
The bottom line is to quit feeling guilty about your to-do list not getting completed. It won’t even be done. I would go so far as to say that if it’s ever done you aren’t challenging yourself enough. Shame and guilt won’t help you accomplish more, nor will chastising yourself. Breathe and focus on what’s important and your successes. Those feelings will be uplifting and motivate you to accomplish more.
Being everything to everybody isn’t good for you, nor those around you.
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