Have you ever wondered why it’s so hard to communicate with other people?

Do you often feel that whomever you were talking to didn’t understand a word you said? Or somehow they misinterpreted what you are saying?  Are your communication skills that terrible?

Why do people often misunderstand what you’re saying? You say one thing, they do something else. You delegated a task or asked for a report and what you got back was nothing close to what you expected, and thought you communicated everything brilliantly.

Have you ever complimented a friend, but they got offended instead?  Or have you sat down to talk to someone about an important topic and the next thing you know you’re fighting with them or defending yourself? Sound familiar? How does this happen?

In this article, I’ll help you understand what’s really happening when two or more people communicate.

First, let’s review how the communication process works.

1. You want to say something- an idea, an opinion, a question, a statement, an emotion. Your mind forms a message of what you want to say based on your experience, attitude, emotions, vocabulary, energy, and a whole lot of factors.

2. Your message is then carried over a medium, voice, text, email, phone call, etc.

3. The person you’re communicating with receives the message, but he doesn’t receive the message “verbatim,” because it goes through his own filters.  A person’s filter is his own set of beliefs, emotions, experience, attitude, and vocabulary, which will probably be somewhat different from yours.

4. Your message is understood, but not in the fullest sense. The person you’re communicating with understands your message based only on his interpretation and frame of mind- not yours.

And all this is predicated on your message being  clear, the other person is listening and there is no power gap (you as the manager/they the employee as an example) that interferes with how the message is received.

Even simple things can be misinterpreted because of people’s filters, so it’s incumbent on you to make sure that everything you say is simple and clear. Put simply the more concise, clear, and easy to understand your message is, the less room there is for misinterpretation.

Tips to Ensure Your Message Gets across the Way You Intend

1. Ensure they understand, don’t assume they do. Ask whoever you’re communicating with to reiterate what he heard. Don’t ask them to repeat it, ask them to say it back to you in their own words. This ensures understanding and clears up any possible misinterpretations. It helps you learn what they understood, what they missed, and gives you an opportunity to discuss it again and fill in any gaps.

2. Remove distractions. That’s everything from turning your phone over so you aren’t looking at emails or text messages, closing your email, setting a time for the conversation so you aren’t rushing to a meeting or out the door, finding a place to hold a private conversation, and eliminating everything else that could distract you or the other person.

3. Set expectations. Some people expect too much, and when they do, it affects the way they hear conversations and understand things.  To counter this, make sure everything you say you’re going to do is measurable and what you are asking of others is also measurable.  If you ask an employee to complete a report be specific about what needs to be included and by when.  When you tell a client you’ll get back to them next week be specific on the day, or say no later than Friday close of business.  If you aren’t specific the likelihood is that others will have an expectation different than yours and this is  when communication problems occur.

4. When it’s clear there is a problem, address it. Your spouse might have taken your comment the wrong way, or at least not how you intended it.  Don’t ignore it or get upset.  You are part of the communication pathway and own part of the responsibility for how it was misunderstood, and how to get it back on track.  When your team member hands you something that is not what you asked for don’t blame them and get frustrated.  This is the opportunity to revisit whether they understood what you wanted, and an opportunity for learning for both of you.

Whether you realize it or not, you as the one sending the message has responsibility for how it’s received. You have to recognize that others have filters, beliefs, feelings, and more that will impact how they ‘hear’ your message. The clarity and specificity of your message determine how well it is understood. You have to quit assuming they understand and ask them.

Communication is a two-way street but it starts with the person who has a message to deliver.  Take the time to think about what you want to say, how you want to say it, where you want to say it and when you want to say it.  When you think before you speak you’ll discover more often that others understand.

Understanding your own communication style will help you recognize how it affects the results you are getting, or not from others. 

Click the link below and take our communication quiz and find out your communication style.