Because I work mostly with executives and business owners, almost every day I hear the same lament, “If only these people would listen.” Somehow we have come to believe that it’s about others improving their listening skills rather than us improving ours. Why is it that we always think it’s about them not listening, while we are so certain we are ‘excellent’ listeners? I don’t think it’s about us forgoing responsibility and blaming others; I think it’s that we do not understand what listening means.
We assume that listening and hearing are the same. After all, if someone is speaking we hear them, and isn’t that listening? Yet listening is more than just an auditory function. Listening requires us to care enough about the other person to suspend our thinking, our judgments, whatever we are currently doing, and pay attention. Listening is not an auditory skill; it’s a mental skill. True listening necessitates our hearing beneath the words to what the person is telling us. We have to listen for the words someone uses (why those and not another one), the inflection in their voice, their speech patterns (long pauses, speaking rapidly, etc.), what’s not being said, the feelings … and that’s just to start.
If we are thinking about something else when the person is talking, if we are assuming this is just the ‘same old story’ or we truly don’t care about what they have to say, we may hear them but we won’t be listening. And trust me, they will know we aren’t. When others think we aren’t listening, they don’t believe we care about them, and the consequence of this belief is they quit trusting us. Talk about communication barriers!
Is building trust why we should consider improving listening skills? It’s certainly one reason. Let me give you one of my favorite quotes: “Between what I think I want to say, what I believe I’m saying, what I say, what you want to hear, what you believe you understood, and what you actually understood, there are at least nine possibilities for misunderstanding.” Improving listening skills gives us a chance at improving communication and reducing misunderstandings. Think about it. What if you could reduce conflict and increase productivity and morale through improved communication? What if problems got resolved and did not reappear because everyone was ‘listening’? What if you never again had to ask yourself, “Are they speaking some foreign language?” or “Why don’t they listen?”
Nothing is more important to human beings than being heard, which happens when we listen. Listening is the first skill in a set of building blocks that impacts the success of communication. If we get it wrong at this step then the likelihood is that we will have a problem: Something will be misunderstood; messages won’t be clear; feelings will come into play; trust will become an issue. Any number of challenges will occur. The first step toward advancing communication is improving listening skills, and that starts with you. You’ll be surprised at what you learn when you truly listen to others.
© 2014 Incedo Group, LLC
