Communication is both the root of all problems and the solution.

Improper communication leads to more issues than just about anything; while communicating effectively helps you land at resolutions that could otherwise seem impossible.

So if it’s so simple, why does communication seem to be a problem?  It’s them right?  Each one of us believes we communicate effectively and it’s often the ‘other guy’ who isn’t paying attention or simply doesn’t get it.  However, just because we open our mouth and words come out does not mean we are communicating effectively.  It simply means we are sending a message, though there is no guarantee what the message is or how it will be received.

In my book Finding the Fork in the Road, I refer to a quote by Francis Garagnon.  It says “Between what I think I want to say, what I believe I’m saying, what you want to hear, what you believe you understood and what you actually understood there are at least nine possibilities for misunderstanding.”  This says it all about how often we think we are communicating and we simply aren’t.

Communication is way deeper than the dictionary definition. 

Included in communication is

• Body Language: How you show up often times communicates things that may not align with what you are trying to say.
• Speaking: Is simply the words coming out of your mouth.
• Hearing: You must also be willing to listen when communicating.

Finally, the Language you choose to use is terribly important to the delivery of the message you are trying to communicate.  As Aristotle put it, “human beings are distinguished from other species by our ability to use language”.  Yet too often we don’t listen to one another.  Too often we are invested in our views and thus explain when we should inquire.  We get caught up in our own preconceptions and disguise our feeling and fears and thus hide our meaning.

In many ways, talk drives us apart instead of what it is intended to do…the art of thinking together.

So how do we communicate effectively?

I believe that all communication has a series of building blocks.  And that if you miss one step then communication will go array.

Those building blocks are:

• Listening
• Assumptions and Judgements
• Questions and questioning
• Messaging, Negotiation/persuasion/advocacy
• commitment and accountability.

So for example, if you (or the person you are talking to) aren’t listening then there is no way for communication to be successful.  You still have to listen when you speak.

For example, the person you are speaking to keeps interrupting you or they say nothing.  You simply keep talking without hearing what the other person is saying or not saying.  When this happens there is no possibility for the communication to be successful.

Take messaging.

While knowing what you want to communicate and the goal is essential if questions are not part of the communication than the message may not be accurately sent or received.

Example:  You want a report with specific information created.  You call in one of your team members and explain what you want and that you want the report by Thursday.  Now listen to what happens.  Thursday rolls around and you don’t have the report.  Or you have the report and it’s not exactly what you wanted.  What happened?

I bet right now you are thinking…they didn’t listen. 

Maybe they didn’t do their job.

I am going to suggest that maybe you or your team member did not ask enough questions or the right kind of questions.  Here is some food for thought.  Did your team member ask, “By when on Thursday do you want this report?  ” Did you ask if your team member was clear about what you want in the report and if they commit to completing it by Thursday?

Don’t assume that just because they say ‘okay’ they are committed. 

You have to ask questions to determine this.

Maybe you assumed they would do it or understand what you wanted and that nothing would get in their way.    Asking “are you clear about what I want” is meaningless.  Of course, they are going to say yes and that tells you nothing about their level of understanding.  Or you ask “any reason you can’t get this to me by Thursday”…again what does Thursday mean?  And maybe they can’t answer this till they begin the project and get a sense of how long it will take.

The point is if you make assumptions without asking questions your message will be unclear.  Missing one step in communication makes everything that comes after that go array.

As you can already see, communication is more than just exchanging words between two or more people.

We must have a clear understanding of what the other person wants and is saying to us to get the message.  But how do we know that what we heard is what they meant to communicate?  Or vice versa, how do we know what we were trying to communicate was clear to them?  We have to ask questions.

To communicate effectively there will be a relay of conversation.  Want to be a better communicator?  Stick with me kid and I’ll show you the way.