We all do it, we miss conversations we should have, but don’t think about having. I’m not referring to those conversations we all hate having so we avoid. You know the ones I’m talking about…performance issues, disappointment about results or behavior, telling a client you misspoke about something and the news isn’t great…whatever conversations we try and avoid.

Those aren’t what I mean by missing conversations. I’m referring to the conversations that if we had taken the time to have, a whole host of problems would never come up at all, or if they did we would have already discussed how to handle. It’s about playing offense, not defense. Are you totally confused? Let me give you an example.

A managing director I was coaching joined a company and was told they wanted her to help them build a culture of accountability, and to mentor one of the other leaders in developing communication skills which were sorely lacking.

In the first six months the managing director spent her time getting to know everyone on two of the critical teams, trying to determine where the problem was with accountability and how the team members understood accountability. She also attempted to work  with the the other manager about how they communicated, how others perceived her communication and even attempted to facilitate conversations between team members and the manager to improve communication.

The president comes to the managing director complaining that she hasn’t learned enough about the technical aspects of the business, that even though the other leader is resistant, she the managing director needs to take the high road and make this all work, and oh by the way there are a number of projects he wants handled she hasn’t gotten to, and he’s disappointed and frustrated. 

During our coaching conversation the director says to me “I was doing what I was asked to do, and clearly if the other manager won’t work with me how can I make any changes? And if every time I turn around the company wants to make a change and have no plan how can I accomplish what I was told was a key aspect of my job?”

Good questions, and understandable questions. I would suspect it’s what we would all say. The issue was though that there was a missing conversation, in fact several that had they taken place might has eliminated the problems she was facing, or certainly given her a path to handle easily.

What were the missing conversations?

1. Was it communicated to the other manager that the company saw her communication skills as lacking and they wanted the managing director to work with her to improve those skills?
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3. What did the president expect from the managing director if she had resistance from the other manager? Was there a way he wanted it handled?
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5. What percentage of the managing director’s time was to be spent on improving accountability and helping improve communication versus projects or other work?
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7. What did he (the president) expect her to learn about the business and by when?
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9. Did she have the authority to stop the constant shifting of work and create a plan that included metrics and began to improve accountability?

And there were several other missing conversations as well, but I think you get the point.

If she had these conversations the likelihood would have been that she was clearer about the president’s expectations. It may not have eliminated him chastising her, but it would have changed the conversation they had when he did.

I’m not blaming my client, she like most of us didn’t think to have these conversations. She asked if they were committed to change, and he said yes and from that she charged forward. It was reasonable thinking on her part. 

What she didn’t consider though was:

• Was she making an assumption that he and she thought the same thing and had the same expectation?
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• Was she moving into action too quickly for the culture of the company?
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• Was she thinking too tactically and not strategically enough?
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• What if?  What might happen that had unintended consequences or would not work as planned and what could she do about it?

Missing conversations happen all the time.

We don’t stop and think. We aren’t considering what others will need to know, that we probably know and we should share.

And not having these conversations creates expectations in others that will eventually cause stress, disappointment and people thinking negative things.

All unnecessary.

I truly do not enjoy dealing with problems. I can and will but if there is a way to prevent them I am always on the lookout for how to make that happen.

That means taking the time to consider what others might need to know that I know, what assumptions I am making that need confirmed or dispel and what questions if I asked would clarify and provide information that would direct me.

Missing conversations…how often are they the cause of problems, frustration or unnecessary conflict in your organization?

Communication is an art.  No communication is a science.  It’s both and learning your communication style is important.  Why?  Because you will understand what pieces of the science you are missing or need developed, and how to add the art…all with an eye on you more often getting the results you want.  Take our Communication quiz at the link below and find out your communication style.

© Incedo Group, LLC