Critical and difficult conversations may not be the same thing, though we often think of them the same. Critical conversations can be, and often are difficult but they don’t have to be.  Difficult conversations are always critical. You have to learn how to have both effectively.

For the purpose of this article I am not going to make a distinction between these two types of conversations as the skills you need to use for both are the same.  

What makes these conversations difficult or uncomfortable?

1. These conversations have 3 common elements.  
a. The stakes are high – something critical is going to happen if it is not solved
b. Emotions are high
c. Opinions vary

We don’t have the skills to handle these conversations.
2. We see them as confrontations, not simply conversations.
3. We assume they will go poorly.

So what do we do when faced with having one of these conversations?

1. We ignore and hope they go away and get better on their own.
2. We have the conversation but handle poorly.
   a. Our tendency is to discuss what someone did wrong, not what we want to be different.
   b. We sorta mention it, but it’s buried in the middle of other topics.
   c. Attention is on the symptom, not the root problem.
3. We wait till we are super frustrated and at the end of our rope.

It’s no surprise that we avoid having these conversations or when we do have them they don’t go well.

What’s the solution?  

Using these communication skills will set you up for success. 

1. Be prepared.  Don’t simply jump into the conversation without considering what you want to talk about, what is the goal and what outcome do you want.

2. Ask questions.  Human beings simply don’t ask enough questions.  Instead of focusing on sharing your disappointment or frustration ask “what got in the way of you completing the project on time” or “is there something that is preventing you from being at work at 8:30”.  Don’t assume or judge…ask questions.

3. Ask the right kind of questions.   Even if you are asking questions, make sure you are asking the right kind of questions.  Too often we ask 2 or 3 questions at the same time and it doesn’t give the other person a clear idea of which question to answer.  Here’s an example.
   a. “John, are you aware of the critical nature of this project and the impact of missing the deadline?”
   b. “Sally do you know that start time at work is 8:30 and you show up late at least half the time?”

Additionally, watch how often you ask leading questions…questions where the answer is already imbedded in the question.  Ex: “We had agreed on the details for the project so there was no reason what you gave me didn’t fit what we agreed to is there?”

4. Listen and pay attention.  If we take the time to listen we can learn a lot.  Instead of simply pushing your agenda, ask questions and listen, and pay attention.  Listening is more than hearing the words.

5. Don’t rush in to fill the silence.   Most of us are uncomfortable with silence, so we rush in to fill the space.  After asking a question just sit while the other person considers and processes.  Silence is the space where information and emotions are processed. Don’t fill it with by talking to cover it up. 

The one thing I know for sure is that you can’t get better at having critical conversations by ignoring them.  You have to step up and have them and use the skills I have outlined above. Each time you have one it gets a bit easier.