The president of an investment company hired me to come in and help him assess the leadership team and determine if he had the right people for what his company needed not just today, but for long term growth.  Partially through the assessment he came back and asked me to assess the entire company.  He wanted to know if he had the right people, in the right positions and where they would fit into his long- term growth plans.

It became quickly apparent to me that the company had huge communication challenges and conflict between team members and leadership was a constant issue. 

Every conversation I had with a staff member brought up their frustration and even anger with one specific leader, Julie,  and how she interacted with everyone in the company.  Julie was dismissive to them, unconcerned about their feelings or personal needs, changing her mind repeatedly, sometimes 2 or 3 times during a single day and yelled at them in front of others when they did something that displeased her. 

Julie believed, which was demonstrated in how she communicated to others, was that she was the manager, and everyone should do what she said, when she said it.  She felt her team was more skilled and talented than others and would push off work to other teams, even ones she had no authority over.

As a result of just this one person, Julie, teams were fighting with other teams about who had ultimate responsibility for tasks. 

Managers from other teams were continually having conversations with their own team members about if they had to do work assigned to them by this other manager.  Her own team spent as much time with HR and me complaining as they often did at their desks doing actual work.

It was a real mess.  I have never worked with a company where team morale was so low and everyone in the company tippy toed around one leader so as not to get her mad.

I shared all of this with the president.  He was reluctant to talk to Julie about the problem as he was worried she would quit, and he felt her technical capabilities were so superior and unique he wouldn’t be able to replace her. 

This only made the situation worse as she knew she was considered indispensable and her interactions with others got more abrasive. 

Since the president wasn’t willing to speak with Julie, we were left with no other options than to have me work with the other leaders in the company to help them deal with the havoc she created.  We had to reduce the conflict in the company so that people could get to work instead of spending time gossiping, complaining, and infighting.

What happened when I worked with the other two leaders is they learned nothing they were going to say or do would change Julie.  Instead of spending their time trying to convince Julie that her style was interfering with her getting the results she wanted, and in fact was contributing to the problem,  I helped them understand that with conflict there are high emotions, and high emotions continue the cycle.

I had them ask themselves these questions before engaging in a conversation with Julie, or even team members that came to them beyond frustrated.

• What is the problem I most want to resolve?  Since she isn’t going to change, what is the problem they want resolved? 
• Do they need to have a battle of wills or ego? 
• If there was one thing that could happen that would reduce conflict, eliminate frustration, or calm people down what would that be?

These questions helped them focus on something they could control, themselves.  They came to understand that battling wills with Julie wasn’t going to change anything and if they could put their own ego aside and a need to win and show Julie how wrong she was, that while the situation would never be perfect, progress could be made.

When team members came to them asking if they had to do something that was asked of them by Julie and outside their role, instead of simply listening and lamenting with them, they shifted their thinking.

They asked the team if they had time to handle without pushing back their own work.  If the answer was yes they had time, they were encouraged to handle and focus on what was best for the company instead of being focused on Julie and pushing back.

If team members were already at capacity, instead of ignoring Julie or saying they couldn’t handle it, they were taught to tell her that right now they didn’t have the space or time, and if this was critical to discuss with their managers.  It didn’t make Julie happy, but it did give the team a sense that they didn’t have to accept being bullied.

Over months of working with them, the managers spent less time handling complaints and frustration from their own team members.  They learned how to gently push back on Julie and came to be able to even ignore her rants, requests, and bad behavior.  Instead of fighting with her, they focused on what served them and their team.

The physical environment was cubes and it meant everyone heard everyone else.  Julie’s team heard conversations with other teams and began to adopt some of the ways they had learned.  Her team came to recognize that they did not have to internalize everything Julie said to them, and often if they said nothing when Julie was yelling, she simply stomped away. 

By everyone shifting their beliefs they could convince or change Julie and walking away feeling powerless and defeated they learned they could take back some control.  As a result, conflict between teams was greatly reduced, the long line of people at HR’s door went away and people felt more in control and not at someone’s mercy.

The lesson here is that conflict occurs and at times we cannot eliminate the source of the conflict or change the situation.  We can however ask ourselves what we can do and how we even contribute to conflict continuing when our egos get in the way.

I’ve reached back to the company to see how things are going.  There was turnover on Julie’s team, but not on any of the other teams.  The two other managers tell me they are calmer and less frustrated, and their team members complaints about Julie have dropped to almost zero. 

Conflict is going to happen.  There is no getting around it. 

There are ways to handle it though that are more effective and healthy for everyone involved.  

Find out the Healthy and Unhealthy Ways to Manage Conflict by downloading our guide.