Did you know that your feelings and past experiences can get in the way of your communication?

Next time you feel a strong emotion or feeling, pay attention to that emotion and try not to let it get in the way of your message. Both positive emotions, like happiness, and negative emotions, like anger, can influence how you interact and communicate with others.

When you have a good understanding of your own feelings, you will begin to notice these emotions and be able to not to let them get in the way of your communication.

Let me share a case study with you that illustrates this point:

A Vice President of Human Resources was struggling with his relationships with his colleagues at the same level in the organization.  He often felt  treated differently by his colleagues and his boss, and frequently expressed this to me and others. 

As a result of his feelings and concerns, he often got angry and yelled at his colleagues during meetings.  Of course, none of this behavior endeared him to others, and in fact exacerbated the situation. 

The company hired me to help him improve his relationships with his colleagues and others in the company.

When we began our one-on-one coaching, the Vice President initially wanted to work on changing others because he felt the problem was theirs. 

He was a large overbearing man,  who repeatedly told others he was treated differently every time something went wrong.  Our initial work was on helping him understand he couldn’t change others and had to change himself. And to show him that by changing how he interacted with others, and changed how he viewed his colleagues, they in turn would change how they interacted with him. 

We discussed having something visual he could see during meetings that would act as a trigger to stay calm. 

He decided to hold onto his keys which held a picture of his children, which he felt grounded him.   We also touched on the fact, that his physical size could be intimidating and that because of this he needed to take a soft approach when dealing with others. 

We discussed his upbringing and I discovered that he had been raised by a single mother who worked long hours to support him and his brother.  His upbringing was still having a negative influence on his thinking and behaviors. 

Through coaching, I was able to  help him understand how it negatively impacted his relationships, and how to consider other ideas and ways of thinking. 

Over the time we worked together he was able to  successfully shift his thinking from ‘it’s them and their problem’ to “I need to make adjustments and learn how to work with others’.  

By the time we completed our work together,  he was no longer blaming what wasn’t working on others treating him differently and he had learned to accept responsibility for his part of the problem, and his part of the solution.

As a result of this shift, his communication skills improved.  The managing director who hired me to work with him,  shared with me that in meetings his body language changed from closed to open.

He became more engaged with his peers, and had moved from resisting and fighting to open and accessible. Instead of immediately getting into arguments or responding with nasty emails he learned to pause, step back and determine how he wanted to respond. 

In the end it was a win-win for both the Vice President and his colleagues. He was able to relax and communicate more effectively and get the results  that he wanted without having to go to “battle” each time he met with his colleagues. 

His colleagues no longer dreaded interacting with him during meetings, and they were able to “hear” what he was communicating instead of going directly into defense mode.

Next time you find yourself struggling with your relationships at work, take a look at how you’re feeling before you step into that meeting.  Find a way to ground yourself and pay attention to how you’re communicating with others.

Start with changing yourself  and my guess is that you’ll see your behavior mirrored by those around you.  They will change as you change. 

Find out what type of communicator you are and you will learn how it impacts your results. 

Click the link below to take our communication quiz.