Do you think that you have no choices and things happen to you?  You didn’t get into the university of your choice and you had to settle for second or third choice?  The house you wanted to purchase someone else’s offer was accepted?  A colleague, not near as qualified as you got the promotion you were sure you were going to get? 

Your list goes on. 

Is it true that things happen to each of us that weren’t part of our plan or desire?  Well of course it is…happens to everyone.  But this isn’t what I’m talking about.  Are you the person who believes things happens around them and you have limited impact on what happens or the choices you make?  I am here to say ‘hog wash’, ‘bologna’ and ‘get over yourself’.  Your life is the sum of all your choices.

I have met and worked with many people who believe they have no choices and their life is not of their design but of a destiny they wouldn’t have chosen.  When someone becomes unemployed for whatever the reason I often hear “there are no jobs out there for me”.  Well of course there are.  Just because you have discounted working at McDonalds because it’s beneath your skills and salary requirements doesn’t mean it wasn’t a choice, it was.  You chose to not include it as an option, but it was.  Your choice!  Didn’t get the promotion you expected and suffered in silence?  You chose to say nothing or ask why you weren’t picked, or chose to stay and not look for another position. 

They are all choices you made and what happens after you make the choice impacts the direction your life takes.

I had a neighbor when I lived in Atlanta.  She lived with a guy and had three children from a previous marriage, one with a serious disability.  Several times a week this guy got drunk and beat her up.  Several times a week she would visit me and cry and tell me she was stuck, she had no choices.  It wasn’t true.  None of her choices may be ideal and perhaps she had fewer choices because of her circumstances (the disabled child), but she still had choices.  Ignoring them does not mean they aren’t choices.  It simply mean you made a decision to ignore them as options.  Her life after she made the decision to stay with him was defined by that choice, or at least defined till she made another choice.

After college I moved to Atlanta, primarily to be far enough away from my parents they couldn’t drop in, and close enough to visit in a short plane ride.  I found a job (as an institutional kitchen designer), found an apartment and then found a guy.  We moved to Washington, DC many years later for a business opportunity for my husband.  We bought a house and I started a recruiting business.

I stayed in that recruiting business way too long. It stressed me out, I worked 60/70+ hours every week, I was too focused on making money…  I stayed because we made the choice to never go into debt to send the children to college.  Was it the right choice, I have no idea.  Financially it was and there were negatives that came with the choice that affected me personally and I’m sure my family. Years later that choice I made is part of the sum total of my life, of choices.

Don’t discount something because you have chosen to not consider it as a choice.  Life is almost always about decisions we make.  Even if you only have two options and neither are great, they are still options.  How you handle an illness, family challenge, professional set-backs, your own disappointment or fears…are all about a decision you make, thus a choice. When you step back from feeling sorry for yourself or being disappointed about missing out on something you wanted, you will recognize that however ugly or unpleasant the situation, however painful or gut wrenching the situation that at each of those points you made a choice as to what to do (or not). 

I believe we are here in this universe to learn lessons, and those lessons honestly aren’t always packaged in a nice box with a pretty bow.  In fact I would suggest they often aren’t that nice looking at all.  Most of what we face in life every day is of our own making.  Situations happen around us and we still have the choice as to how we want to respond.  Circumstances occur that we didn’t plan or expect and the decision we make at the moment that happens as to what do we do next will impact the decision after that and the next choice we make. 

It’s not about what happens around us or to us, it’s about what we do when that happens.  Blaming a choice you made that didn’t provide the result you wanted, is a choice. You are choosing to look backwards, you are choosing to assume that you could have made a different decision if only you had more facts, you are choosing to let this outcome/decision take any space in your mind.  

Thus of course life is the sum total of all the choices we make.  Thinking otherwise is of course a choice.  I’m suggesting that ignoring that fact means you admit to feeling powerless in your life, things happen around you and you aren’t responsible.  If thinking this is useful keep thinking it.  If after reading this article you are rethinking anything then I’ve done my job writing this.

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