It goes without saying that in order to rally the troops and get things done and get things done successfully and effectively that communication plays a big part, likely the biggest part on whether this happens or not.  So why if this is so obvious, and so much has been written on communication skills am I now writing about it again

Good question.  The reason should be obvious.  It’s because the problem around communication is not yet solved.  I continue to have conversations with leaders about this topic. I continue to find that they agree communication has an impact on their bottom line, and yet it’s mostly lip service, not really action.  

Today I want to outline critical communication skills every leader needs to develop. Then embrace them, live them and incorporate them into your daily life. Whether you are leading a team at work or leading a volunteer organization or simply trying to lead your children in the right direction, it’s all about communication.

1. Listen more, speak less but mostly listen more.

How often have you heard this?  Your children/spouse/SO probably have yelled at you that you aren’t listening to them but you likely don’t hear this in the workplace.  Maybe you are hell-bent on delivering your message that you couldn’t care less about others thoughts and feelings so you truly aren’t listening.  Perhaps you feel like you don’t have enough time and want to move the conversation to closure quickly, and thus you aren’t listening. Worse yet is when you give others time to talk but you aren’t paying attention to what they are saying anyhow.

Listening takes practice.  It means you have to fundamentally care about someone else enough to make what they think and feel a priority.  That means a priority over the email you simply must respond to or the meeting you are thinking about or anything else.  I understand sometimes what others think truly isn’t important to you and won’t change your thinking.  If that is the case at least be respectful enough to tell them this upfront instead of pretending to listen, or cutting them off mid-sentence.

2. Don’t be the person who needs to comment on everything.  Everyone looks to the leader for answers and it’s natural to want to add your two sense or give your sage advice.  But I caution you to not be this person. As soon as you comment it will change the dynamics in the room and your thoughts drive the conversation.  Others, who probably have great idea or thoughts shut down and the communication shifts from a dialog to a monologue…yours.

A benefit to being the person who sits in the back of the room and observes and only comments when you have something significant to add, is that you get the opportunity to learn how others think and noodle through problems and situations, and the team dynamics.  Think how useful knowing this will be as you mentor, coach and guide individuals and the team.

3. Show you care rather than how much you know.  Theodore Roosevelt said, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”  This may not seem like a communication skill but it is, and maybe the most important one. When others around you feel like you care about them, that you are interested in their growth and development, when it’s obvious that their needs matter…when they feel important and loved, then ‘how’ they hear your message changes.  They may not like what you tell them if your sharing your disappointment or suggesting ways they need to change, but they always know it come from a deep place of caring and their response will be different.

4. Your body language says it all.   Ever walk into someone’s office and they don’t even look up from their computer and simply say “what can I help you with’?  What does this say to you? Probably that you aren’t important, whatever you need is less important than whatever they have going on and maybe even they couldn’t care less about what you need.  It’s dismissive behavior and that communicates volumes to others. Be cautious about your body language which is more than crossed arms or rolling your eyes. Refusing to look someone when they are speaking, pretending you don’t hear the concern or pain in their voice, hand signals that indicate you want them to move along with the conversation, how you sit in your chair, answering emails or text messages during the conversation…these and many more communicate more than words.  The reverse is also true.

5. Be honest.  We all hate telling someone no.  So what do we do? We say yes but really have no intention of doing whatever we said yes to.  Or we say yes when someone asks “do you have a few minutes to talk” even though the timing is awful for you and you won’t be present with them anyhow.  What if instead of saying yes when you want to say no, you are honest. What if you said “I’d be happy to speak with you, AND right now I am (preparing for a meeting, have to leave in 10 minutes…) and I won’t be able to give you the time and attention you deserve.  Can we arrange a time later today when I can focus on you and not be rushing you out of the room?” We all want immediate gratification and of course, if they want to talk their preference would be now rather than later. But everyone would rather know the situation than feel when speaking with you are they are getting the bum rush out the door.

6. Stop interrupting.   It is so difficult for us to sit quietly and not interrupt others, especially when we think we know what they are going to say, or have the answer.  When you interrupt it communicates to them something negative. They may see it as you aren’t listening (and you aren’t) or that you don’t care or you think you are smarter…whatever it says it’s not positive.  As soon as you interrupt is shifted the dynamics of the conversation from them to you. If that’s your intent go for it. Just make sure you know what the impact is.

7. Ask them what they need from you.  We assume when our children, team member, colleague, employee or whoever reaches out to talk to us about a situation they want our advice.  So what do we do? We launch into our advice-giving mode without considering if that’s what they want. You walk away from the conversation proud of how you handled it, they often walk away feeling defeated and not understood.  Before jumping to solution, ask them what they need from you. Do they want your advice? Are they simply unloading and need someone to hang in and listen? Do they need information? There are many reasons someone wants to talk with you that have nothing to do with getting your advice.  

Communication is way more than speaking words, sharing information or frankly what most of us think about communication.  Bottom line. Caring about others from a truly deep place is way more important than your knowledge or what you say. How you show you care isn’t about telling other you care, it’s about what you do day in and day out that they notice.  We can forgive others mistakes when we know they care. We want to please others who demonstrate they care about us. Successful relationships, and thus successful communication starts with caring and that can’t be faked.